Lend me a pair of sincere ears.

End of year 2010. Aghast. 

None of any vocabs or words could describe the mood now.

Scientifically or logically, everything happens has a cause; every individual's story can be traced back. Hence, from my history, I should not just end up like this. Every folks praised me could be someone- in their mind someone must be holding authority, with good pay; when I enter college, peeps around though I must be someone, too- with capability, with good pay. Me myself thought that would be a good show, a show cost more than 50k. Pathetically this show ticket sold in low price. 

Didn't the previous post mentioned I feel like myself is like an useless freak, peek at others picture in fb- and think how could someone lose so much weight, what bag is she using... what an valueless action! Couldn't I spend the time in something more valuable like starting own business? I'll have a strong determination for diet when seeing someone lose weight, but damn it, I'll only jealous when seeing someone has achievement. 

The longer I stay in this place, the more I find myself non-capable; the longer I stay, the more I turn myself to a typical working people; the longer I stay, the farer the gap is, between me and them. Every gathering, compare their look with mine, I find myself getting smaller. Every talk, they are talking what is next plan when to buy car what house to buy, I can only listen with a smile- If you zoom into the smile, yon will see the ingredients of bitterness, and jealous. I used to show how strong am I, how tough am I, but I forgot tough and strong need the support of the s sign.

Every chat with friends, those lost contact for quite sometime, the first thing they ask must be: HOW ARE YOU? 

actually my answer is: I want to die.

I already exhausted, don't bother to complain, no energy to complain. Do you know how pain is this?

The stress is from the s sign. 

If we have enough, my mum will not has illness like now--mental illness is hard to cure. 

If we have enough, my family will not like what it is now, quarrel break down the communication, less communication freeze the bond. 

If we have enough... at least, no fake smile. 

I really...really...really want the courage to jump out from this comfort zone, encouragement from some important person as support, the request not high right? The most support i need from, is the one who most demotivate me and give the most discouragement. It is like crawling into the tip of a con. 

Set Me Free. 

P.L.E.A.S.E.

Can the light beam in?