Flame 2

Light + Matches. 

A box of matches was abandoned, Gerald brought it home, and so happen it was put under the light. 

The light said let me illuminate you, hopefully my heat could dry up the dampness in you, so you can shine as how you should be. 

 

The matches in the end burn themselves not because too much of the heat from the light, but the purpose they are created to. 

Like a pencil and an eraser. 

Pencil: I'm Sorry.
Eraser: For What? You Didn't Do Anything Wrong.
Pencil: I'm Sorry Cause You Get Hurt Because Of Me. 
Whenever I Made A Mistake, You're Always There To Erase It. 
But As You Make My Mistakes Vanish, 
You Lose A Part Of Yourself. 
You Get Smaller And Smaller Each Time.
Eraser: That's True. But I Don't Really Mind. 
You See, I Was Made To Do This. I Was Made To Help You 
Whenever You Do Something Wrong. 
Even Though One Day, I Know I'll Be Gone 
And You'll Replace Me With A New One, 
I'm Actually Happy With My Job. 
So Please, Stop Worrying. 
I Hate Seeing You Sad.

Sounds touching. Shed tears when first heard this. 

Everything was created for one purpose, eraser was made to cover the pencil's ass; but the matches is made to start up a flame, not to be heat up by the light. 

Matches are flammable, easily burn up...

You might have forgotten this since you started to use lighter. 

-The End- 

Flame

除了战斗之外，我一无所有。

Resignation

It's been quite sometime i didn't update, because I was working. The job is not easy, worked as telemarketer and it is given a nicer name---teleconsultant. Nothing different what, still same job scope of making cold calling and persuade people to buy the product. Definitely not credit card, I was working in an international corporation which organize big exhibitions or corporate programs, while my job scope was to do research, get contacts and called companies come on board to be exhibitors or speakers in the conference.
 To make cold calling is not easy, especially when you don't know who you should speak to. I worked for 2 weeks only, the first week was training, the second week was started to call companies. Before calls to be made, research is a must, that's what make me quit. Personally I really don't like to do research, reasons being might be have done too much in UK? don't know, i just don't feel comfortable of doing it.
  When the thought of resigning was first poped up, I really scolded myself of how can i giving up so easily, not even tried out? Seriously, first thought was happened in the first week...and I was keeping persuading myself to give a try, don't give up so easily. Until Sunday after came back from their team building vacation which was held in Melacca. Everything was fine and i feel, started to love this company. After the trip i was so so tired, but have to do research still. What happened was I CRIED like no body business...why cried? I can't take up the stress...uh huh...this was something ashamed me "MIA CAN'T TAKE THE STRESS WHEN SHE WAS ONLY WORKING FOR 2 WEEKS" =.= ...my face was smooth and never grow pimples as what happened now, whether it was stressed up too much or something wrong with my body system? I don't know. my face looks like shit. After i worked here, seriously i became regular smoker. Well, this is not an excuse, but i really smoke again after working there.
  Has anybody tried of worrying the next day coming or waking up? I did...everyday I did research until mid night, sometimes eye closed but finger still clicking and hand moving mouse as if i was browsing internet. Previous post I said my eye get wet when i recalled study time in UK? it was because I compared working and studying period. Friends were telling me to quit if i don't like the job, but myself was telling me don't quit first even thought it was tough...>< but finally, i quit. With immediate notice, immediate leaving. Friends, don't take this as joke and throw the harsh question on me like: you can't even overcome the stress in your first job and you quit not even worked for one month? what else you can do?? Seriously, i chose to quit but I'm questioning myself the same question too. I wouldn't know what and how to answer this question and definitely I'll remain silent for sometime. A job that you don't even like, you won't stay long...

So now, I'm again hunting jobs.

What wear you down is not the choice you made but the choice you don't make.

what is the time now? 0109. I suppose to go to bed by now, as tomorrow need to wake up by 6, as normal. hmpf...I'm a working adult already.

I don't feel to complain how tough the job is; anyway, whose job is easy? By all means, by hook by crook, do first think after in a smart way. It is all right to have talking/ presentation/ pitching all the time, but I hate the part of doing research... I'm asking myself this question again and again, which job offers you such an opportunity of earning a maximum figure and yet that is within your capability? Visualizing life years later, not luxury but at least above average. If Doraemon do me a favor,  I'd request a machine to send me to 2 years later (with my decision of staying back in this company); it is silly, ain't it? 2 years wasted because of I don't want to face the cruelty of real life; why not i ask a courage medicine from Doraemon? *shake head*

I was looking at photos few months ago; watching clips of few months ago; watching clips in facebook which also took few months ago. I'm regret I didn't fully enjoy just because of a small matter of broke up; I'm regret and self-blaming of influenced by this matter, and hence result....*shake head, again*. When i look into photos with xiang, I regret why should I had insisted on the matter so long; it should be a precious moment, 3 months time of being together with xiang. *turn my head aside* but if without his cruelness, I won't even have a better candidate(haha! you are candidate). Thank you, to both of you.

Facebook becomes a channel to share things and gather; our clips are always being edited and posted. Every time watching is like memory tape rewind. The scene which we sang at Everton Park; the scene which we drove to Scottland; the scene which we played 'Hide and Seek' in kitchen with limited space; the scene which we watched strip show; the scene which we club; the scene which we're doing grocery shopping;  the scene which we sing K in my room; the scene which we discussing tomorrow's exam; the scene which we drunk and cried..because that was the last day of our study life....
Now i particularly miss the scene when we watched Meteor star in 11 Celsius night; the scene when we smoke at Everton Park when i was in sadness; the scene when we were at Cheshire Oak; the scene when we're discussing assignment that made me almost cry; the scene when we're arguing on certain issue; the scene when we drink Strongbow in room; the scene when I was meowing in your window; the scene when we buying stuffs for Europe trip...

What had past, it's past. It's been 4 months, it will be one year soon. Yes, i hate doing research, but time past with 'tic-tock-tic-tock' only. You don't catch means it tic-tocks away; you caught it at least it might be something hold in hand.

Remember I said tough doesn't mean face all problems alone without relying someone, but stand up and re-face? I need people by my side.Oh, maybe edge of toughness is being smoothen or soften, I feel like I'm not as tough as before?  Remember I said I don't force myself to be a tough one by measure my "toughness" with tears? So when I was typing scenes that we've gone through, my eye balls were moisturized...

The Secret.

 secRet is: be positive, positive thought makes things. 

How great one's thought could change things? I've heard a piece of infor which i'm not quite sure the credibility.
Said it was an experiment did on a prisoner, or prisoners, purpose was to identify how great  one's mentality was. Prisoner's eye was covered by cloth, wrist was slightly cut, tap was turned on and the prisoner was told: this is the sound from you bleeding wrist, the blood is flooded on the floor.....in the end, the prisoner dead.

The truth is, the cut on wrist was not enough to cause bleeding as the tap did, and also not enough to cause one dying of bleeding. What made the death, actually was the thought of the prisoner... Have you heard a story of a mother carry a car when her child was under the car? how could a woman carry a car which weight few times of hers? Thought, i bet. No, i convince.

Men's life can always be ruined by their thought. family tragedies happened always because of husbands/ wives gone mad based on certain reasons; people suicide always happened when they think negatively. I told my colleague when i was 17, "happy or sad, you are given 24 hours perday; to make it yours or make it sad, you decide." why not make the day yours?

I'm encouraging myself, if one day i lose my courage, i wish i know the direction to trace back this post. If I don't,please show me.

And the secret is: be positive and process positive thought.

Defeat and Victory.

Day after day, I’m getting more and more conscious. If everyone has a dream, this is the longest dream I’ve ever had; perhaps I should call it nightmare? If this is a war, I’ll announce my soldiers are defeated but victory is always belongs to us. What a confusing claim when team loses battle yet possess of victory! Yes, things happened are always as ridiculous as the phrase above: white and black, yes and no, on and off, win and lose. It is ridiculous but explainable, ridiculous but it does exist.

White and black= grey (so a fucker cheated but the lies are claimed as white lies-for them, on fucker’s perspective);

Yes and no= uncertain (so a bastard is always with the characteristic of uncertain);

On and off= something wrong (so an asshole on off on off cause difficulties in shitting);

Win and lose= what happened at me (so a silly leant to smile after injury)

Let me make this as a war, describe it as a war.

When the war had just started I’m caution enough not to be trapped, opposition is not friendly. A new general- me who only lead a team once and win once know the truth and fact of I’m not smart enough to handle a war like this. Well, war started and war end, just like that. The war is declared: defeated; BUT, the triumph is belongs to me.

Fine…I’m defeated in the war, but won consciousness; my soldiers are injured in the war but they recovered and getting stronger, tougher. Yes, I’m defeated like dog but opposition dint gain anything. I’m defeated, what I lose is just a war; but the value of what I win is more, much more than what I lose, even over than what the opposition won.

Time= best medicine

finally, i recognized the fact of a need to back to reality. The feel of counting the distance between both places of few months ago and few months later is totally different, both have the feeling of feeling hard to leave but the feeling towards subject to be left is different; but the cause of making up the feeling is a same subject.

in the end i was still hardly to accept the fact, no matter is the fact of a general one or more in to detail one, i still had a feel of being fooled? perhaps not that serious, but i cant find a word to fully describe it. Everyone said when you are in the trap you will never know you are trapped; and i was fully experienced this. If one asked, would you like the delete the memory permanently? my answer was: NO. Although it was not a good one, but before it turns bad, the good one was too good to be true, and the feel of having it was really replenished my dull and boring life. And at that time of having this answer, i was still baring the hard feeling of it, and count to the matter that i assumed it supposed should not happened.

Odd things happens all the time. what i assumed it should not happen, it happened. From the beginning what i analyzed was wrong, what i predicted and what i believed was wrong, all wrong form the beginning till the end. what disappointed me the most were: he never face the problem. Fine of giving a fake hope, I've predicted the ending of this day once i allowed it happen, but not a ending like escaping lo.

there was a gathering at mooncake festival, a sophisticated man awaken me. And he told a frightening news of me that im in a negative magnetic field, which meansn im more likely to see them. the grad old man said i was confusing and not concentrating, should be more focus to raise the negativity to positivity.

erm, really... samsook had his points, and his point awaken me. this few days my mind is more peaceful and calm, which i didn't have in the past few months, at least, i dont think of his face , his name, his joke, his word once i opened my eye......

Renaissance

Yea...i do

should not let people worry.

see when is the next obstacle?

Im ready, but not now, please.

There is no poverty live the povery of spirit

Will be kept

Will be viewed

Not going to be erased

突來的不爽

忐忑不安的心情已經陪伴我好幾天
理智不停告訴自己---‘淡定有錢凈’
時間雖然不多
但是著急都幫不了什么
----樂--觀-----
終于周末來了
不早，10點爬起身（昨晚5點睡）
就是為了那網上的出席率
試了差不多2 個小時
還是不行

'I only request you to log in 3 hours per week, if you cannt even do this simple request, sorry, i think better you dun aim for first class or even 2nd upper'

Iqbal 兄的名言又在我腦海中閃過
站在他的立場
他的話絕對是有理由的
才不過3 個小時也做不到？
但是當一個人置身煩惱中
想東西往往就是不理智

結果

終于

到最后

我發脾氣了
（米啊，發脾氣有屁用哦？）
我又做了傷害自己--對經濟貢獻，對環境污染，令朋友失望---的事
謝謝“單和俚”薄荷大盒裝

它也不見得幫我很多
最終
還是自己冷靜下來
繼續要做的事

路-再不平坦也的走下去

踢路邊不犯事的石頭不止傷害自己的腳

也會傷害了石頭

米啊。。。歡迎你回來

Lucky aka Jessy

today, i wana tell a story of a gal whom i know her a very long time.

her name was...Lucky, coz she feel she is bad luck and everything she has is worse than others.
-she was chubby, no guy interested to her, and she looks tough and strong, but the fact is, she is not..so, she learn to be strong and tough, and thus she hate being CUTE, coz she couldn't afford to be CUTE.

-becoz of her so called toughness, she doesn't use to be taking care by others, even in front of a guy she admires, even she knows the guy likes soft gal, she cannt act soft too. She is tough becoz of the external environment

-she learn to be independent, becoz her parents were/are not beside her. Her dad, left to sg work, her mum goes work in the early morning, when she was 8 yrs old, everyone eating breakfast prepared by mum, she prepares breakfast for her brother, and wake her brother up, then go to school. sometime she could not rush to take breakfast, so she had stomach illness when she was 8. She needs someone to be relied too, but she nvr know a gal like her would has this privilege.

-actually she is self-contempt, she thinks she is worse than anyone around her, when she grows up, secondary school....she likes someone and being wooed, the one who named herself lucky---is the unlucky one, she is being cheated, since then she lose confident to L-O-V-E, and always scare guy cheated on her. i know untill now, she still scare, coz she always remind herself the painfulness of the LOVE brought to her.

-her relationship with family, not good... she was slap since a kid until a teen, she said: i dun hav self-esteem, each slap frm my mum taken away my self-esteem, little by little.her dad, left home spend time with frens outside, her mum had fun with fren and involved in what so called business, her brother was gangster, will only bring trouble to house, what left at home, is herself, alone. what so precious of a family? for her, home is just a house, a place to sleep, thats all... so she had a bad habit, wrap herself with blanket tightly...i saw, i know she lacks of self-security.

-when she saw her fren being wooed, she hopes she is one of them, but, she knows it is jus dreaming. she never know if someone wanted to woo her, coz she was self-abasing, she thinks she is not deserved to get that and yet she is non-value to attract others.

-well....finally, i see her transform from the Lucky to Jessy(her new name)...she changed alot, from appearance to inner...changed, one thing never change, is her toughness, she is forced to be tough, becoz her family situation still tht suck. she is same age with me, but she has o think and plan of her future, since she is 15/16 ys old. she doesnt mind other critique she is reality, she is money lover, becoz she knows no money, problems arrise........

-she always has a requirement for her wooers, which is to see their career and their capability, she is tired enuf to take care of ppl, she hopes someone would take care of her, coz,..she is rarely experience, the feel of being take care...

i know there are somebody woo-ing her, but she scare being hurt, coz she tried once..reli reli hurt, and she rarely get protection from others, she use to face the problem alone, so,..when her woo-er try to protect her, she feels warm, but yet she feel scare coz she nvr tried this before, and she scare if this is a trap? she reli doesnt wan to be hurt as the first time.

anyway, she has her own decision, which others cant intrude...let herself make her own decision.........

I hope o can reli be the one beside u, remind u, guide u, lead u to stand up and break all the barriers....................
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