Lend me a pair of sincere ears.

End of year 2010. Aghast. 

None of any vocabs or words could describe the mood now.

Scientifically or logically, everything happens has a cause; every individual's story can be traced back. Hence, from my history, I should not just end up like this. Every folks praised me could be someone- in their mind someone must be holding authority, with good pay; when I enter college, peeps around though I must be someone, too- with capability, with good pay. Me myself thought that would be a good show, a show cost more than 50k. Pathetically this show ticket sold in low price. 

Didn't the previous post mentioned I feel like myself is like an useless freak, peek at others picture in fb- and think how could someone lose so much weight, what bag is she using... what an valueless action! Couldn't I spend the time in something more valuable like starting own business? I'll have a strong determination for diet when seeing someone lose weight, but damn it, I'll only jealous when seeing someone has achievement. 

The longer I stay in this place, the more I find myself non-capable; the longer I stay, the more I turn myself to a typical working people; the longer I stay, the farer the gap is, between me and them. Every gathering, compare their look with mine, I find myself getting smaller. Every talk, they are talking what is next plan when to buy car what house to buy, I can only listen with a smile- If you zoom into the smile, yon will see the ingredients of bitterness, and jealous. I used to show how strong am I, how tough am I, but I forgot tough and strong need the support of the s sign.

Every chat with friends, those lost contact for quite sometime, the first thing they ask must be: HOW ARE YOU? 

actually my answer is: I want to die.

I already exhausted, don't bother to complain, no energy to complain. Do you know how pain is this?

The stress is from the s sign. 

If we have enough, my mum will not has illness like now--mental illness is hard to cure. 

If we have enough, my family will not like what it is now, quarrel break down the communication, less communication freeze the bond. 

If we have enough... at least, no fake smile. 

I really...really...really want the courage to jump out from this comfort zone, encouragement from some important person as support, the request not high right? The most support i need from, is the one who most demotivate me and give the most discouragement. It is like crawling into the tip of a con. 

Set Me Free. 

P.L.E.A.S.E.

Can the light beam in?

One Night Stand

Shock and excited to read when see the title? I have a habit, a real weird habit of using what ever thing I glimpsed at to be title. i'm listening to a song- Daniel Powter- Free loop, the title is mentioned in the lyric, so.....

Ok,please proceed to reading. 

Life won't change until you've made a move, same to fat. 

I'm thinking to use 'same old same age' as title, but it is not a truth, i'm making changes, at least, i'm take initiative to change.  

Sometimes i'm really angry with myself of being careless. you know how it feels? 

You already remind yourself in the heart, already checked the things that you gonna to do, already.....You thought you've done it. You thought things are settled. In the end, you realized, you were told...things are not going this way.  o.0

We should have own secret,don't we? 

So that's all for this. next I'm gonna show how life is going.

With my colleague. Don't you feel the chicken and charsiew look familiar? They just appeared in my post few days ago.  

That is a song with lyrics "what hurt the most was being so close", by Rascal Flats- what hurt the most. Absolutely correct. The guy closest with you hurt you the most. 

how does it relate to this photo? Do you think you use a gadget with care, then the technological product won't spoil? I spent thousand over to buy a phone 18 months ago, after 2 or 3 months, it had problem, until last month, the phone protested its determination of wanted to be kept in drawer with idiotic action, it doesn't functions well as a basic phone, I can't even make a call - ERROR CONNECTION every time when i attempt to call people. I don't make call for fun okay? i can't find any reason to keep it. 

There were a lot stories after this which I feel lazy to describe, the end result was i bought a new phone. 

I was telling my friend :I dont feel any excitement of owning a new phone. which is true. I don't feel any, until now. I hope this could accompany me for a long time.

Lastly, I'm listening to music, music that accompanied me the most in another side of the globe. i thought i got back to the place with big wind and cold weather.

I realize i can't use word to describe the place anymore, perhaps at this moment only. Hopefully it isn't because of feel faded away. I'm moving on, but wishing to bring the memories with me. 

It is always in the top of the list, in my notes of happiness.

再不堪回首的，曾经也是快乐和值得珍惜的回忆。

I've had unpleasant experiences.

What is going to happen when a vehicle is burned? Explosion…

  The accident traced back to 30 minutes (8.35p.m, 9^th Nov) before I blog this post. Make it clear, the vehicle is not exploded but burned, so I’m alright. I was reading articles with my baby, why did I read an article? Because I miss UK very much…

  I smelled the burned smell even before I start my baby, the coach was smog bound. Not surprisingly, I was steady as nothing happen. I knew something happened to the train, but what I was thinking was, what can I do other than rushing out from the train? If touch-wood anything happen. I’m a person like this, looked like don’t care of things around, that’s why people care of me, always scold me about this. Xiang, Cheng, Yiheng…ok, all guys…fine, back to the topic. It is really dangerous, if anything happen, if the train exploded, I’ll be not able to update this blog FOREVER, nor you guys see my smile, listen to my laughing, FOREVER.

  The train stopped at middle of nowhere, and I was urged by the nature call; almost all passengers went down, but I was still reading the articles. A passenger came up, shook head, and said: I think the train is on fire , And I listened the staffs said don’t know what “bakar”… no wonder the burned smell happened so badly, I was not confused of the smog , but I was besotted of noticing all those thing but never react to self-rescue. If a smart one noticed something wrong with the train, possible of the one still continue what she was doing as if nothing happen? I should be more alerted of things around, I mean it.

  

  The train stopped about 35 minutes, only continue the journey, it was almost reaching the destination. What makes people dissatisfied was, the staffs never make announcement, at east, inform passengers what happen, I saw many old folks rush here and there, keep calling, the service deserve to be blamed of making everyone frighten out. Who I called? Daddy. If not my jumbo’s message asked me call him back with : ARE YOU OK? CALL ME BACK!, I won’t made a call. The “!” is really a powerful mark, and sorry of making you worry>< promise I’ll take a good care of myself.

What to do for a girl like me when I want to go back Ipoh? 

  Take bus is always dangerous, I thought KTM is much better but who knows, it happened thing like this. Seems, I should have a car, and I promise myself, I will, and soon…

                                                     

o.0

have u ever tried panic untill heartbeat stop?

i had

juz now

i locked my lugguage but forgotten the password.

bravo.........

in the end, trace back to what happened at that month only i remember i put a fella's birthday...

==

Forced to...

yesterday, i was speechless

looked like nothing huh?

indeed, i don't know what i can do.

the baby...is a down syndrome baby

i saw many parents were carrying the baby, something wrong with the baby

like mine, down symdrome...i think nothing worse than a dwon syndrome baby

i was waiting the doctor from 12- 3, he cheched for my baby

said things like , you should take care of it, not onli feed it, you have to change its pampers too.

"you have to look at both side of the coin"

after the consultation, and before the consultation, i've to force myself accept the fact of this is your baby, no matter you want it or not, it is your baby.

i've seen the worse, the mum was suspect stolen the baby from someone, but the fact is, she is not. "when your effort is suspected, is denied, you fall to abyss; when your effort is a good one but yet you are being suspected of that is not your effort, you fall to bottomless abyss."

this is a reality, this is a community, this is the fact, this is the rules, this is the regulation which I've no way to make a change on it.

ACCEPT, is the only thing i can do

ACCOMODATE TO IT, is the recommended thing i should do after accepted

ADOPT, is the only way i've to do after accept and accomodated.

在这个时候，任何声音都变得刺耳

任何时候，我都不敢抬头

任何时候，我都不敢有主见

任何时候，我只能接受

那年那天

怎么有芒果香？原來有位老伯伯在用竹竿採芒果。那竹竿的那头钉着一个milo铁罐，被採的芒果就这样跌进罐子去。





思绪飘到那年那天。。。





门口那棵大芒果树还在，我和他总是期待着那芒果几时熟？即使可以採？





又想起两个贪吃鬼，偷跑到隔壁街去偷採别家芒果。。。结果芒果吃了，也随之送来‘藤条焖猪肉’






面前有两个小孩在跑。想起那天的傍晚，一放学回家，他拿起球拍就往外跑。那条斜坡，我追也追不上。






两个小家伙在家没事做，就交换衣服穿。看着他穿上我的女装白底粉红樱花的日本kimono，我穿上他的宝蓝底龙纹kimono，我忘了我穿成如何，却记得他像一个剃了光头的肥妞，站在床上傻笑





早上要去补习了。他还躺在床上熟睡着，当然，他都不需要参加哪个PTS额外补习班~~看着他熟睡的可爱脸蛋，忍不住，亲了他一下，才抱着那书包出门。。。






‘你不帮我做功课，我就发誓！你会被妈咪打’小孩就是小孩，以为发誓是种咒语 ==







‘打我啦~ 啦啦啦啦啦啦~~~~’他拿起椅子，就向那肥妹扳过去。结果换来的是那肥妹父母上门投诉，和一顿毒打。







在佛堂里的少年班，阿姨们叫我们，用各自的名字画成一幅画---我那时的名字：胡媚媛。我彩上天蓝色作底色。至于我的名字是如何画上去就没印象了。他：胡景豪， 胡，他把古和月分开，古它化作一个坟墓，月，我忘了。。。 景，我也忘了；豪，他把它化作一个僵尸，上面的部分是僵尸的帽子，下面类似家的笔画。他把它化作僵尸伸直双干手跳动，右边的一撇一捺，使将士帽子的羽毛。在场的大人都说他有别于一般小孩的想象力。那时，我们是10-11岁。他已经是大家眼中的坏孩子，因为他不做功课，有一个会读书但不会照顾弟弟的失败姐姐，在姐姐的比较之下，他显得特别懒惰。。。







学业上的分别，没有分隔我们的感情。两人都在缺少某些因素的家庭长大，都爱自由。他最爱骑着脚踏车，一到外婆家就往外跑，直5-6 点才回去吃饭。一次我要求他带我去，我们一起踏角他车，去到不懂多少里以外的芭场。他说他平时就是喜欢来这里看白云，看沙石。







我一直都知道，我弟弟是比较特别。。。。。。难教







到我们发生冲突，在家里祖先面前，他打了我一掌，把我推倒在地上。。。我发誓，我不认这弟弟。。。









时过境迁，当时的我是幼稚。






最近好怕接到家里电话。。。





尤其是他的电话。最后这次，最后这一千。我想帮也无能为力了。。。





刚才接了妈的电话后，冲凉时多想释放锁在眼球的压力，却发现，在这时候我忘了怎么哭。。。





我。 累了。真的累了。可不可以让我自己一个，就独自一个承担自己的一切，不需要你们，同样的，你们也不要给我问题。就一个交换，好吗？





明明不是我惹的祸，不是我的问题，怎么变成了我的问题？为什么我就这样被牵涉了？





数个月前，我知道我可以过得很好，前提就是：必须在我没有别的担忧负担。


我绝对可以一个人生活，过着不错的生活。


就请高抬贵手，还我站起来的勇气跟坚强，好吗？

choose either one. UK or Bro?

I was trembling, and im worring. Rarely eating become tasteless, i ate the sandwich just for feeding starving stomach. To be frankly, im trembling and feel scare/ worry since yesterday nite untill..now.

Yesterday he called, i can tell the unusuall everytime he calls. It must be related to monetory matter. I lent few times, few hundred, few hundred, few hundred. This time, he requires more, he requests more. 3.5 k.......i lent, this morning i transfered to him.

just now he called again
"姐。。。你一定要幫我。。。"
"又怎么了？"
"bla bla bla...這次要4.5k。。。”

I stunt a while, how to help?????4.5 k....
added with the amount he not yet return to me, it is more than 8k......
3-4 k, i still can fly UK even he didnt return, but this time, 8 k......
My heartbeat was faster than normal it does.
Without this 8k...for sure my UK plan have to be terminated.
My Bali dream, my Taiwan trip...all gotta be on hold...

i was lying on the bed, energyless, spiritless...
I started to analyze the problems of lending him or dont.
but no matter, that amount, for sure i will lend him. just becoz he is my brother.

if he didnt return, worse come to worst, i sacrify the chance fly over UK; if i dint help,who knows i might lose a brother, my only brother............

'what cums up must cums down'....
everything has a solution, wat different is the price of the solution...