None of any vocabs or words could describe the mood now.
Scientifically or logically, everything happens has a cause; every individual's story can be traced back. Hence, from my history, I should not just end up like this. Every folks praised me could be someone- in their mind someone must be holding authority, with good pay; when I enter college, peeps around though I must be someone, too- with capability, with good pay. Me myself thought that would be a good show, a show cost more than 50k. Pathetically this show ticket sold in low price.
Didn't the previous post mentioned I feel like myself is like an useless freak, peek at others picture in fb- and think how could someone lose so much weight, what bag is she using... what an valueless action! Couldn't I spend the time in something more valuable like starting own business? I'll have a strong determination for diet when seeing someone lose weight, but damn it, I'll only jealous when seeing someone has achievement.
The longer I stay in this place, the more I find myself non-capable; the longer I stay, the more I turn myself to a typical working people; the longer I stay, the farer the gap is, between me and them. Every gathering, compare their look with mine, I find myself getting smaller. Every talk, they are talking what is next plan when to buy car what house to buy, I can only listen with a smile- If you zoom into the smile, yon will see the ingredients of bitterness, and jealous. I used to show how strong am I, how tough am I, but I forgot tough and strong need the support of the s sign.
Every chat with friends, those lost contact for quite sometime, the first thing they ask must be: HOW ARE YOU?
actually my answer is: I want to die.
I already exhausted, don't bother to complain, no energy to complain. Do you know how pain is this?
The stress is from the s sign.
If we have enough, my mum will not has illness like now--mental illness is hard to cure.
If we have enough, my family will not like what it is now, quarrel break down the communication, less communication freeze the bond.
If we have enough... at least, no fake smile.
I really...really...really want the courage to jump out from this comfort zone, encouragement from some important person as support, the request not high right? The most support i need from, is the one who most demotivate me and give the most discouragement. It is like crawling into the tip of a con.
Set Me Free.
P.L.E.A.S.E.
Can the light beam in?
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3 comments:
i'm here to listen :)
nyoh! don't give up :) some start sooner and some just start a bit later ... my dad only bought his 1st car when he was in his late 30s; that was also a 2nd hand one ...
stories of instant-success will always be around you - be it a friend or an acquaintance - but these are little and far apart.
stories of determination to succeed however, is everywhere and most importantly, there are many and close to you.
do not worry if you don't drive a Honda - think of the people who still drives the 2-wheeled version. do not worry if you make lesser money than others - think of the people who are not able to make any. do not worry if you can't afford an LV or Gucci - think of the ones using just cloth bags.
it's never easy being content with what you have - as there will always be something you want to have - but know what you don't want to have; that is a good start :)
you don't want to be someone useless - truth is you're anything but; so lets start from there.
hey mia, honestly, im having a same problem/ situation as you having now. I have someone to motivate me to leave, but somehow, as u said, sayonara is not easy to sing. But at least u've taken a step, a step to move forward. me? what i have is only a PLAN, yes, a plan that need to be realised asap. the Mia i knw is the 1 who capable and tough, don't lost urself nor ur way/ direction. 老土点讲句，加油吧 =)
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