呕血一梦

忘记了这记忆的开始

总之，就是不好的

那天我一条水在火车看报纸，实现突然被一张照片吸引了

是条‘货’

索？

不太索

两颊雀斑，咪得像线一样的眼睛，两颗兔子牙

还好笑容可嘉。。。

EeeeeeEEEeEeEeeeeEEEEeee?????

醒目的我很快发现有点不对劲

因为。。。

站我隔壁那条水也看着同一份报纸，但是没有那女孩的照片

照片下还有一个‘M'字母

一定是线索

这女的背后一定藏有大秘密

‘冰雪聪明’恐怕不能贴切的形容我现在的头脑

我也想不到另一个词汇来说明我的智慧

一定是上天看我聪明，想要赐我某些东西

er。。。不过假如是照片中的幼齿弱智妹，那到谢了，免啦~~~

凭着地标提示

我相信我来到了上天要我来的地方

“死开啦，一look木在那挡路！’

看到那长到像蛇的木头，心里忍不住骂了出来

‘木你条毛！’

‘谁？谁要look我条毛？”

‘我说木你条毛！那长得像木的蛇”

靠！！！蛇跟我讲话！

‘你就是那个将自己冰雪聪明的孩子？。。。你要找的线索，就在那头。。。。’

说完，又不见了。。。

就像八两金一样，不见了。

说完，我看见不远的那头有个M字。。。。。抬头一看。。。

必不得已我要用傻海来叫那女的

她以为她在占铜像的便宜

认真一看

她好像是报纸上的弱智妹喔。。。

然后，她转过头

‘我不弱智”

好辣！

不是样子辣

是性格辣

我什么都没讲已经被鸟了

不好欺负。。。

‘来’

短而精简

我只好跟着她走

她把我带到进房间

‘坐’

又是一个字的命令

‘不要埋怨’

huh！！！！！！！！她又懂？？？

‘我说不要猜了！’

‘来，给你看一些东西。。。’

她给我一张照片。。。

‘这个死叮当是谁？？？？？’

‘是我’

她回答

‘。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。’

一时之间我回答不上她的回答

‘那时我变性前的照片’

她一面找着她的背包，一面缓缓地讲述着

‘曾经我也是风流倜傥，只不过人算不如天算，我爱上了男人’

‘我很伤心听到你的遭遇。。。’我敷衍的说

她又拿出另一张照片。。。

这时我的心是惊吓的

跳动得比平常快个几倍

因为

因为。。。。。。。

发霉的！！！！！

‘这男人就是刚才被我摸屁股那位

你以为他是铜像吗？

它实实在在是我的男人！

因为他不喜欢男人，我才去做变性手术！’

‘死啦！！我遇到个傻的！！！！！’

自以为是男生，还自己以为铜像是真男人。晕啦~~~~

但是我还得要挤出个我最满意的笑容来。。。缓和她的怒气。。。

‘不要讲我傻！！

我时时刻刻都可以知道你想什么！’

然后她拿起把刀队着我

‘我要你变性’

‘mama-mia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘嘻嘻，你喊吧！喊破喉咙也没有人来救你了。。。。。相信你会喜欢我的刀法。。。你看我的手术多成功？自己来的~~~哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。。。。。。。。”

啊啊啊啊

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

啊啊啊啊啊

啊啊

我醒来时。。。发现自己坐在椅子上，还是如此平静，弟弟叻？？？？

还在还在。。。。

呵呵。。。

不过回想起刚才的梦。。。

到底它在说什么叻。。。？

有谁能告诉我？

sudden feel that......

2.00 in the am

looking at the half finished ass----

arghh

dont feel to cont anymore....

log in to friendster....which abandoned quite a long time

view old friends' profile

saw her name

click and see

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

e

still the same.....

一把年纪了

装可爱不再是你我权力了

成长吧~~

XD

I'm bad....i know.

late dinner?

that was a late birthday dinner, although more than a month, but better than nothing.

This fella, i know him for years, this is the very first time to try on his spagheti !!!!!

see!!!he was preparing..look fat rite?

actually he slim down alot

and...see his "ma-yin-tong"(boxer)

XD

ok la

my comment is.....the dinner very full

tasty or not...?

erm...ok lo

what you expect from a spagheti sauce, garlic bread and instant mushroom soup from Tesco?

however....i appreciate it so much

thx you dude

this is my dude...Jason

XD

I don't need suggestion, but you just say it ==

aRghhhhhhh.............

very x N pain...==

meanwhile.....

auntie.......

under a cold weather

even in room...wind blows in....

heater on

still that cold

==

put coldness aside

other than visit a doctor or take medicine

any remedies for sorethoart?

because......it is painful until i cant concentrate at all! .

有话想要对你说-给BaBa的一封信

有没有发现，每一段感情结束时总会找到很多首歌来表达心声？

有没有发现，每一首歌唱的都是不同的？

有的是你的感受，有的是唱出你的不满，有的是唱出两人之间的问题

人是善变的； 感情没有一定的公式

感情不像E=mc²

当一方提出分手，一定经过深思熟虑。没有人希望随随便便结束一段感情

至少，我不是

一起的日子，有过千个。。。

不要告诉我在千多个日子里，到分手后才“发现”我是怎样的人。

我不爱隐瞒，也不懂得怎样隐瞒

我不戴面具，也最讨厌戴面具

喜怒哀乐，旁人永远察觉到

从不吵架，到后阶段的电话中吵架，我已经知道这段感情很难走下去

不关任何人的事，不过的确有些因素令我下定决心

记得从刚认识我时的小辣椒，到变成连翔他们都不习惯的小女人吗？

一开始我们已经说好不要吵架

你我都珍惜过

我了解你的失望，就像当天你在msn 对我说的话，我想都没想过你会说出那番话；同样，你想都没想过我会如此绝情。两者的失望是相对的。

昨天看见你和欣在facebook掀起的骂战，不要说那不管我的事。

我不精明，但是不会太笨。"she" 是谁，弱智的也大概猜到。

对我来说，那个字，的确蛮伤人。

If you reali heard something dulan, and it is because of me, you are welcome to interrogate.

很赞同你的‘dont assume, plz!'

Don't assume, it just make an ass between u and me.

所以你也别摆个屁股在你我之间

听回来和看回来并不是每一刻都真实

‘耳听三分假，眼看未为真”--我记得在看“溏心风暴“时我们听到这句话的震撼。你忘了吗？

你知道我对承诺有多看重，给了负担不了的承诺就像是给了个假希望，别小看假希望破碎的杀伤力

在分手潜伏期，你我都有努力过去弥补这段感情

你说你要去看戏，刚好碰上我工作日子，不然就忙着课业上的问题

而我叫你去看戏，你就说：算了啦~~我都“显’了。

天不时地不利人不合

要是分手那只是机缘时机距离的问题,那可能可以改变，但是我们都不是。

第一次做出分手的决定已经知道问题出在哪里。就算再复合，就算对方如何改变，结果还是一样。心软再回到一起，只是说分手那人的负担，挽回那方再一次伤心的开始。你要第二次，第三次还是第四次的分手？

你也会说就算我们再在一起，你对我的信任已经不如从前。

没有信任的感情，还是感情，还只是一种放不下的依赖？

心软的再复合，是真心的复合，还是罪恶感的鞭策？

我知道为什么会分手，我知道我要什么，我知道现在心里住着有谁，所以，对不起。

我很配合地从你世界滚出去。

当你有爱人的能力，同样你也被赐予衡的力量。我知道你恨我，或是曾经恨我；但是不鼓励你继续狠，因为这只会让你痛苦。

停止骂战吧，两人的事何必让第三，第四，第五，第六或第七者的加入？

如果我的堕落失败会让你觉得舒服些，问我，我会告诉你。

There is no poverty live the povery of spirit

Will be kept

Will be viewed

Not going to be erased

aghast objects -半夜惊魂记

2.30a.m

i'm still sitting infront of table, planing to read all news and articles.

actually i was just come back from fren's house, getting sumting from him.

although my brain can't really function well now, but i think i should read all before to bed.

habitly and unconsiously, i use to turn my neck from left to top, top to right, it is just kinda relax the tensional neck. when i look up...

this is what i saw, an umbrella hang on the notice board.

is a black umbrella

in movie black umbrella is always portrayed as g-h-o-s-t

and now i was listening secret garden's song which is quite spookish.

fright 1...

then when i turn my neck to right hand side...i saw an eye!

fright 2.

hence, within one minute, my heart beat increased hudread times.

what does this experience tell u?

DO NOT PUT AN UMBRELLA ABOVE YOUR SIGHT

AND DO NOT PUT TOO MUCH BOOKS ON TABLE, EVEN IF U DO SO, CHOOSE THE NICER COVER ONE TO PUT ON TOP.

good nite.

but im still gonna finish my reading first.

Gossip--which is somehthing we don't need

Everyone knows me, should know i dont like to be involved in conflict, in gossip.

Did so many phycological test, results all proven im peace lover.
thanks my grandmum, she taught me: it is none of ur business, dont care an ass for that.
Im always the calm one to see others' drama, geh-boh-ing, gossip. Yea, sometimes i will add some opinions, but most of the time my responce is a cool one- not in passion

oh, is it?

ha...really?

serious?

hmm...as they like lo..they know how to handle la.

Seriously, i dont like to talk about that.

Today, i gossiped something.
Sorry, i dun intent to talk about it, just i feel it is something wrong with that.
It is right that im not in the position to tell they are right or wrong, good or bad, ethic or not.
I just related a little bit of it to my own experience.
they are adult, they know what should they do.

Get low

Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans (Jeans)

Boots with the fur (With the fur)

She got the whole club lookin at her

She hit the flo (She hit the flo)

Next thing you know

Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Get Low (2008, s. Flo Rida feat T-pain, US, 3.45 mins)

now i wana change it to....

XXX had the Hollywood and Genre

make'er shout: fuck-er

She got Andrew to mark it for her

She hit the X

S'prise thing to know

She got low low low low low low low low.............

Low and suck (2009, d.Foo Mia, UK, 15 seconds)

no eye see.......................

lucky it is only 20%

it is not too late to get a remedy for it.

last but not least, there is another song to be presented

獨身萬歲　失戀無罪

誰保證　一覺醒來　有人陪

我對於人性早有預備

還不算太黑

　ye--eah~~~

失恋无罪 （2008，s. Alin， Taiwan， 4.06mins)

低分无罪，2-2 萬歲

谁保证每个subject拿好分数

我对于数字早已看透

还不算太坏

wa~~lao。

2-2 (two-two) 万岁 (2009, d. Mia Foo, UK, 14 seconds)

it seems like protesting the 'honourable' marks....

it is like having fun of the lyrics modification process...

well....

It's fine if it is my own business (onli)

but...

it is not

kinda shame of getting this

mum....sorry...

Game of the night

never try, never know.
never run, i never know im still maintaining good stamina.

just played a game, i duno wat is the proper name for it, for me, i just call it
"zhouk zhouk"-- cantonese, means 'catch-catch'
whole game was to jump up, roll down, hide here and there, escape... ultimate aim for everyone is not to be catched.
what a fun game, throw all annoying troubles behind.
the outcome of the game, not only sweating in such a cold weather, but leave 2 spot on my knee....

what does it look like?

hrm...knee....lo..

the spots are the evidence of how hard i tried not to be catched, when the ghost come near to me, i creep like a cat to safe myself of being the next ghost.

yeah! not even once was catched!

After sweating game, time to take shower.

O.U.C.H!!!!!!!!!!

it is painful.....

T_T

applause

this is what makes my life here.

cookies instead of meal.

applause t0 me pls...

life; live.

17-July-2009

I've been breathing for

8,038.8 days,

192,931.2 hours,

11,575,871 minutes,

694,552,320 seconds.

that's life

there're more to be counted

there's infinity of breath to be taken

the figure will gradually increase, never stop unless

you say it

no one can shape your life unless you allow it

you are adult, live like one(xiang, 2009)

you are human, live like one (Jt, 2009)

You are Mia, live like one (Mia, 2009)

Life ain't so perfect

but what is perfect in the wolrd?

Paris Hilton has her own problem of constipation (perhaps)

Pierre Herme has his barriers when creating new flavour (should be)

Edicson Chen has his trouble of controling his dick (unidentified-- but i think so, or he wont to have fark so many chicks)

Barack Obama has his own worries of constitute new hopes for US

everyone seems perfect has own imperfection

flaws- is like a mark burned into flesh of everyone

who is perfect then?

no one.....

God ain't perfect too (if there is one, im anogsticism)

Since everyone is imperfect, what is the point to force youself to be the perfect one?

is it nececcsry?

Putting myself in the labyrinth. to find perfection.

it opens up a path way to the grave

Flaws of myself, should be the characteristic that sometimes appear to be too bifurcated

Sunny at this moment, next second might be a storm

it is a failure, i admit it. Shall i change?

I don't mix with big group, i locked myself in the room doesn't mean i want to be isolated

nor it means i wan empathy

i did so, just simply means at this situation, this moment, this way would makes me feel freerer.

live like the one, the one which my name guided

smile, is the perfect weapon to kills one

a saying: you should smile all the time becoz you'll never know if [he] is looking at you

erm...kinda sarcarstic

if [he] is an unknown one, you are still looking for a [he], so you should smile all the time just for a glance from [he]? you dunno if your smile is his tea.

therefore, smile for wat?

Instead of smile, i'd rather-- grin.

Grin, is come from the bottom of one's heart, it is the most natural smile, i'd say.

I grin...i do grin...

grin like a Cheshire cat.

Figure, is just a farking annoying thing to drive one crazy and narrow minded

looking at the marks, 69 and 70, 59 and 60

1 mark makes the difference

1st class and 2-1, 2-1 and 2-2

what the hell /who you are, the freak'n blardy godfather-to-be to show us the direction to a so called "heaven" which is marks-driven?

to be frankly, i hate the cock-a-hoop face,

based on merely few marks that've gained more than others

same, i hate the faces of comparing

compare, for the sake of improvement, yea,! go ahead babe;

compare, for the sake of triumphant?

ish...

sad to accept the truth

everythings is triumph-based

in a competition, u win means u win, lose means lose

in a company, hit sales means hit sales

in a creative team, you have ideas means you have ideas

everything is performace-driven

why do human should live in a comparing society huh?

stupid no entry

chuan told me, ks told me

many of our seniors got good results in TARC but fail to get 2-1 in LJMU

erm....if Chuan n ks told this year's TARC advanced 2nd year student who waiting to cum over here, im one of the seniors who cant get satisfying result in LJMU.

other than those comments, do u hav any others comments for us, individually...?

Jason, u ........

bla bla bla..

U (haha, he dun even remember my name)

you know wat is critical but u r not that level yet,

you are there but not there yet

you analyse well but when "HOWEVER"....（he was shrugging, and showed his typical na-ah face)

ok, i got it.

in short, You are well however...you are not good enuf

there is someone told me, every shit speak before 'BUT' is nonsence

same thign here, everyting speak before 'HOWEVER', can actualy ignore it.

so, the conclusion for mine is: you are not gud enuf.

==

how critical he wans me to be?

突发奇想

突然

有个人跑来问我

‘失恋是什么’

‘孤独万岁，失恋无罪，谁保证一觉醒来有人陪，我对于人性早有预备，还不算太黑。。。’

一直都爱这首歌，刚好有人问到。。。就大展歌喉一番

“x！ 我问失恋是什么，不是你要不要我陪啊！”

==唱歌都被鸟，活该你失恋

我不敢讲，因为对方来势汹汹，眼睛睁到铜铃般大。我知道我眼睛小，输了啦。。。哪里够他拼？

于是，我调适一下音调，一把正经的说

“其实，你并不许要那。。。”

“你是聋子啊？我问失恋是什么！”

林-老-不-耶---------好心安慰你还被骂

老娘心里不爽到极点咯

但是门面功夫怎么可以省？

我心里想象着有两根无名手指揪着我的嘴角往上扬，就逼着自己露出那不是笑容的笑容

因为不是真心的，所以那不是笑容

失恋就是。。。

他好像真的需要有人给他一个解释，因为我正经八百的回答，他竟然露出天真的容颜，认真地听我。。。‘吠’

他让我联想到 八两金。

怪不得他样子那么熟悉

原来他是八两金

心里暗爽了两下，注意，是两下

暗爽不是因为八两金向我请教

二而是八两金失恋

八先生拿出波板糖，在我面前舔

一面听，一面认真地期待我给他带来答案

老实说。。。

这一刻

我想吐

他眼睛眨了两下

失恋是什么 jeh？？

我没有力了

为了尽早脱离它那无邪的无形折磨

我随意给了他一个解释

“失恋只是个名词，过程才值得回味。两人相爱，名词名分根本不重要。

令人痛苦的不是名词，而是那形容词，形容感觉的那个term

我脑袋缺氧，暂时给不到你那个term

不过我可以大约给你领悟那个感觉

那感觉就像。。。

你肚子痛，终于找到厕所大解

才刚刚解放了一些些

走廊传来吵杂声

厕所的隔壁着火了

烧到 herm herm 声

结果你裤子也没穿好

屁股没抹干净

一手拎着你手上的波板糖

一手拉着裤子往外跑

上厕所上到着火都还好

更过分的是裤子没穿好

更不可原谅的是没抹屁股

最 “xiasui’ 的是身边从着火地点逃出来的人都望着你

捂着鼻子说好臭。。。

八先生，你理解到吗？

我解答你的问题了吗？

他表情复杂

眼眉对上3 公分的两条皱纹上下跳动

是感动吗？

会有人被大便逃生记感动？

那两条皱纹牵动到他脸部的其它有关连接条纹

这时候

我应该用脸部抽蓄来形容了

‘哇！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

我-终-于-有-屎-疴-啦-

讲完就不见了

第二天，我从电台听到一把感性的声音

‘失恋是名词。。。。

。。。。。。

。。。。。

。。。。

。。。

。。

。

大便没抹屁股。。。。

。。。。。。。。

。。。。。。

。。。。

。。

。

“电台前既聽眾你地好，我系八兩金。”

i mean it.

never seen there is someone after smoked quite a period but still have some side effects such as dizzying, heartbeat increased, redness on face...

i think the one is not born to smoke.

last stick

this is the last stick

this is the last stick that lighted at this noon

I promised,this is the last stick of my own stock

emphasize the statement of OWN STOCK......

relax....

Feel of finished assignment--super relax and damn good

I even have some free time to take some photos of night from my block

i never notice the night can be so beautiful

i mean, with the light, the shadown can be so...meaningfull

stop by, to look around

you can get something better

or

you will have a better inspiration

dun always fight so hard

make yourself tired.

tired, doesnt push to higher

but it pulls you down faster

so...

have enuf rest before start the war

August is the crucial period which decide ur

direction

promise, take care

and

be optimistic

done ur best is more than enough

dont push urself too hard

people around you

people care of you

they feel pain when seeing you pushing yourself too hard

love yourself on behalf of me.

love you

love me

im living it, im loving it.

Today's meal

Breakfast

homemade sandwich + milk

Ingredient of sandwich:

ham(today expired), mushroom,vege + bread(expired date at 3rd july, bt my frens are stil fine even ate expired 10 days bread, so mine soul,d be alrite, at least im still typing here....)

Lunch

noodles with ham, vege, mushroom(exactly same with breakfast, juz change the bread to noodles), fried egg.

Tea + dinner

Oreo x 3

digestive biscuit coated with chocox3

Scottland butter cookies x 6

(dun think ther are only 12 biscuit,it is super filling!)

i knw it is kinda unhealthy!!!

i just love snack food very much, especially cookies, choco, pastry,desert.........

if i take both snack food + main course, i can foresee the side effect of becuming a basketball, so i have to cut down either meal or snack food. BUT as mentioned , i just love them very much, so i rather not to eat mail course, i will just sacrify main course.

Im willing to sacrify if i reali love it.

i love cookies, i love desert, i love pastry

dont use ur imagination to read, not even to interpret

i got some inspiration from Derique..view his blog if u are free. Read this entry if you are free too... Let me define FREE...

---Fuck!!I'm Rather Emo but don't do anything Else--

cant interpret it? ok...becoz it is in English, i knoe...

in cantonese: F!甘愿胡思亂想都唔做其他 嘢

so now u got it?

so now u free?

actually im now super free, absolutely free, absofuckinglutely FREE

no.actually i have a lots of things have to do...cuming asses, plans, presentations, thesis....

but i rather being FREE. sigh.

I have a dream.

which is hard to achieve, hard to make it.

i wish i can lose the ability of cry.

i dun wan cry anymore.

CRY--means something bad happen, something i cant bare, something hard for me to endure.

i can foresee waht makes me cry----IF my grandma pass away, I'd cry as if no more tomorrow. We are very close, she is the onli one i would lean to before i leave m hometown, even my parents, i dun think i've ever lean on them.She is the onli one i talk to when i was in secondary school,everynight we chat untill late, until i cant tahan n sleep, while the next day i gotta wale up at 630. Now u can tell how hard to make me cry, which is someone i'd lean to, left me.

there was one time, i've forgotten how to cry, how to release tension within my eyeball...

tat was when i brother take my money away, the amount not little.

i dun cry at tat time, bearably, not to shed tears,only one drop dropped, i take it as moisturising my eye ball . But seriously, barably hold the tears, is suffer, but i have to. i just dun wan lose control cry like mad while im alone. Yea, i have fun all the time, but most of the time im alone, ALONE, as in mentally.

I dun find anyone to be my support, as if even how hard i fight, it is for myself. confusing? yea..it is...becoz u r not me, u'll never undestand wat i think, wat i wana say. Even if i tell, so what? can u understand?

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Some said im arrogant, some said im steady, some said im tough.

Do i?

I know where is my limitation, where is the border. I hate pretending, but sadly we hav to compromise that, as a human who live in a big society, U HAVE TO PRETEND AS IF U R REALI HAPPY,at least, dont show ur emo face, dont take showing emo for granted.

But i reli wana shout, IM JUST PRETENDING!

anyway, allow me justify for PRETENDING. pretending would lead u enter mistiness zone in between white and black, meanwhile hapi or not is no longer important, they are not existed. So i put it n anohter way, when u enter the grey zone, Emoness put aside, hapi?not that level yet, no emo, no hapi, it is back to a normal stage where ur mood at a peacefull atmosphere. Does it make sense? maybe yes , maybe no, but for me, definitely YES.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry of making ppl feel uncomfortable after read this. tats y i said, read this onli when u FREE...

Real or Fake

Just had a chat with weixiang, i said my image spoiled becoz i smoke, hrm..i dun use to act like wat a IDEAL girl that everyone perceives, yea, from younge until now, i dun reli act like a GIRL.
I said: doesn't matter, this is the REAL ME.

Actually when i said this, i was stunt a while. REAL me? since when real me is accociated with being a SMOKER? i have no idea...Those who just know me, what they saw is my real image? how about my old frens in ipoh? supose that is the real me wat...

Think a while, ME in ipoh, and ME that just turn to be smoker, both are REAL me, just the one in front of Ipohian, will not smoke, tats all, im still talk loudly , im still emo sometimes, im still make jokes of people. Instinct of myself, will nt change, as increasing of age, experiences, exposure, remain the old me means never change never improve, ain't it good of keep on evoluting?

yea, frenssss...i smoke. i know it is kinda dissapointed. I know there are much activities to do rather than smoke, anyway, i smoke. I promise myself, not to turn myslef to be a regualr smoker, although this few day i smoked 2 packs in 3 days, i claim there are sometigns happened cause me smoke that much (i just feel super bad luck in this few months); 3rd pack, is on the way to be finshed.

Real or Fake, Mia--is Mia forever. Im Gemini, thought changing bt personality is not.